OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is a mental illness that comes with a lot of misconceptions. Many people think of excessive tidiness, and perfectionist traits when throwing around the term OCD. I have to admit, I too fell into this mindset, and it wasn’t until a recent diagnosis of OCD that I realized just how much terror and fear accompanies the illness and how much of an impact it can have on someone’s life. Like most things, my OCD started out small. About 3 years ago, my brain started sending me impulses to do things that made absolutely no sense in their context. Though I completely knew that they didn’t make sense, I felt an overwhelming impulse to do them anyways. Things like turning the shower on and off three times and wearing a certain color shirt gave me a feeling of satisfaction and reassurance that I would not fail a test. Considering the fact that I was at the top of my class, it made absolutely no sense that doing these “rituals” correlated with my result on a test, but the thoughts and urges were so strong that I couldn’t resist. For a while, this is how I lived- I simply needed to turn the shower on and off three times and wear a certain shirt and I would do well in school. But, as time went on, the thoughts became deeper and darker, and the impulses became impossible to resist.
This year, the thoughts shifted and became a lot more personal, making them harder to resist. I started to get intrusive and horrific images of harm to those I was close to. Soon enough, the images led me complete unusual or strange rituals in order to prevent harm to myself or others. In the grocery store, I would have a thought that if I didn’t touch a certain box, my family was going to die. The thoughts and images just got worse and worse to the point where I couldn’t function anymore. In May of 2016, I started to get images of impulsively throwing myself down a flight of stairs or out a window. These thoughts caused me to be unable to go up or down a flight of stairs for a total of two weeks. This affected my independence and ability to function greatly. I had to sleep on our uncomfortable couch, drive to my grandparent’s single story house everyday to have a shower and get my parents to access any personal belongings in my room upstairs. As a result I missed quite a lot of school, including a couple of my final exams and our grad class trip. I was absolutely devastated, knowing that these totally unrealistic thoughts had taken control of my every action. Through grueling exposure, I was eventually able to walk up the stairs and be near windows again, but little did I know that OCD had an even greater plan for me. Before I go on, I think that it’s important to distinguish between harmful OCD thoughts and actual suicidal ideation. People with harmful OCD thoughts have absolutely no intentions of acting on their thoughts. These thoughts are completely uncharacteristic of them and against their morals and beliefs. In fact, most people with these thoughts end up avoiding situations so that it is almost impossible for them to harm themselves. That being said, despite the horrific and intrusive nature of their thoughts, these people are not in danger of harming themselves because it is the complete opposite of what they want. Despite this, these thoughts completely take control of the sufferer, and make daily tasks impossible to complete. About a month ago, these harmful OCD thoughts shifted, in my opinion, in one of the most devastating ways possible. Battling selective mutism for the past five years, my ability to speak is something that I value and fight for every day. One day, out of the blue, my OCD told me that if I spoke, I would completely lose control of my actions and impulsively kill myself. This meant that not only was I mute in public places, but I was also mute around my family members. As a family, we decided to wait it out, and see if I would overcome these thoughts and speak again on my own. For six long days, I didn’t say a word, and that’s when we knew we needed immediate help. My mom contacted my psychiatrist and told him what was happening, and through that conversation, I got a referral to the IWK Children’s Hospital in Halifax, Nova Scotia, the leading children’s hospital in Atlantic Canada. Through the emergency department, I was admitted to the IWK Garron Centre, an acute mental illness and addictions assessment unit. In contrast to other psychiatric units I had been admitted to, the atmosphere of the Garron Centre was bright, colorful, and promoted recovery. Throughout my three week stay, I participated in many activities including music therapy, pet therapy, and decorating the unit for the upcoming Olympic Games in Rio. But, the most significant and impactful thing that I did on the unit was exposure therapy which occurred three times a day. Along with the amazing team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and nurses, we came up with a plan for overcoming the crippling OCD symptoms that I was experiencing. I started out by mouthing words from a storybook, all while learning how to sit with the anxiety instead of pushing it away. I did this and endured extreme anxiety three times a day for an entire week. Finally, after twelve days of not speaking, I had a breakthrough. One week into my admission, during one of my exposures, I decided that I was ready to attempt speaking. Sitting at my desk with a nurse by my side, I slowly pushed one word stuck deep inside my stomach, up my throat and through my mouth. As soon as, for the first time in twelve days, my vocal chords made a noise, I was so overcome with emotion that tears of happiness just streamed down my face. I was later able to call my parents and grandparents, who had not heard my voice in two weeks. Though I still had a long road ahead of me in order to completely gain control over this disorder, in that moment, I was a warrior. I had beaten OCD. I would like to thank all of the team members at the Garron Centre for helping me to better manage my OCD. Though everyday is still a struggle, I accredit the IWK for saving my life. When my OCD started to get really bad, my main concern was whether or not I would be able to go to university in the fall, something that I had really been looking forward to and had won many scholarships for. Thanks to the IWK, I now feel ready and equipped for anything that comes my way and I am ready to take on the challenge of university. Though I know that there will be lots of bumps in the road, after overcoming this, I know that I can overcome anything.
2 Comments
S
9/15/2016 04:37:19 am
Lauren,
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Liza
1/9/2017 08:11:03 pm
Hey, I just found this website and I just want to tell you that you are really brave for being able to write about your struggles. I have also lived with severe selective mutism. I didn't talk to anybody at all up until 9th grade. After that, something snapped and I realized I had to get better. I'm 18 now and doing much better, but SM gets the best of me sometimes. I really thank you for sharing your story and helping me realize that I'm not alone!
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CategoriesAll About MeMy name is Lauren and I am 20 years old. I have an anxiety disorder called selective mutism that limits my ability to speak outside of my home. I believe that this disorder has touched me for a reason, and my life mission is to bring much needed awareness to this heartbreaking disorder. Welcome to my journey. Archives
January 2018
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