If you were to search for the definition of a boa constrictor on Google, you would most likely come across the words "The boa constrictor is a large snake, although only modestly sized in comparison to other large snakes." Though these may only seem like words to you, this sentence takes on a whole new meaning when i read it. These words have not only shaped who I am today, but they also serve as a reflection of the past and a pathway to how I live my life on a daily basis. When I was first diagnosed with selective mutism, an anxiety disorder characterized by one's inability to speak in most social situations, I was so confused. "Why can my classmates speak and I cant?" I would wonder, sitting alone, watching my classmates laugh and converse so effortlessly in moderately sized clusters of people. These thoughts, accompanied by extreme frustration, were a daily reminder of the internal battle that I faced walking through the school doors each day. Something that immensely helped me process my anger and frustrations towards the disorder was to externalize the problem. For years, I had been blaming myself for having this disorder. "Why are you so stupid? Whats wrong with you? You are doing this on purpose!" These were just a handful of thoughts that filtered through my brain each day. It was when I told myself that this disorder wasn't my fault at all that I started to see the biggest changes within myself. What is it really like to be a selective mute? How would I describe what its like to live my life? I soon made the realization that having selective mutism is like being constantly followed by a long, slimy boa constrictor. Slithering in my shadows, I know that he could attack at any given moment, suffocating my voice until it completely disappears. Eventually, I began attributing the self loathing and hate I felt for myself, and projecting it on to this imaginary boa constrictor. Though I still felt spouts of anger at myself, its magnitude was no where near as strong as it was before I adopted this analogy. My boa constrictor analogy soon became an integral component of my treatment. Starting in February 2015, I began stimulus fading, a technique whereby an SM sufferer speaks in an environment where they feel as comfortable as possible, and gradually, a new person is introduced into the room, at my high school. I approached this challenge with the mindset that it was yet another opportunity to incorporate my boa constrictor and allow him to start helping me instead of continuing to hurt me. Each day at school, I was presented the task of reading one sentence, " The boa constrictor is a large snake, although only modestly sized in comparison to other large snakes," while the school guidance counselor was slowly introduced into the room. In doing so, I have probably read this sentence out loud over 100 times, and each time I do so, it gains a whole new meaning. One positive attribute that I have gained from having selective mutism is the ability to feel compassion and empathy for others. Not being able to speak in high school, I have a very different perspective and perception of school and my classmates than others. As the above quote states, there are many different types of snakes that slither in people's shadows each day. Though some are bigger that others, they are all equally as powerful and manipulative. Whatever hardship or struggle that may be present in your life, be vengeful of your snake, not yourself, because in the end, you matter way more.
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CategoriesAll About MeMy name is Lauren and I am 20 years old. I have an anxiety disorder called selective mutism that limits my ability to speak outside of my home. I believe that this disorder has touched me for a reason, and my life mission is to bring much needed awareness to this heartbreaking disorder. Welcome to my journey. Archives
January 2018
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