The year of 2016 was supposed to be about new beginnings, and I would be lying to you if I said that it wasn’t. I guess, for me, these new beginnings came in a different form than what I was expecting. In the months leading up to 2016, I was living a fairytale life, a life that I had always dreamed of ever since I developed selective mutism 4 years prior. In the fall of 2015, I was a brand new grade 12 student at a private boarding school, where I lived day to day life and went to school away from my family and the comfort of my own home. During the months leading up to Christmas, I beat the odds and started to be able to talk in school, participate on the varsity field hockey team, and even did a speech in front of my entire school about my journey with selective mutism. I was doing all these great things and accomplishing my dreams so quickly, and those few months were, without a doubt, the happiest times of my life. But, unfortunately, I didn’t realize at the time that I was going way too fast, and by Christmas break, I crashed. Upon returning to school in 2016, things had changed. I wasn’t the person that I used to be, in fact, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. Throughout my years at high school, I would spend hours and hours at night doing schoolwork and studying. Now, I couldn’t even get myself to pick up a pencil, and the thought of opening a textbook was overwhelming. I suddenly couldn’t focus on anything and class was becoming so stressful that I had panic attacks and had to take a break in our school’s health centre at least a couple times a week. As a result, I spent most nights in my dorm room, curled up in a ball at the end of my bed. Everything was becoming increasingly more difficult again, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. Somehow, despite feeling so rotten, I still wanted to help others and make a difference, so I continued to blog and help others online, as well as spread awareness through small awareness campaigns, such as Bell Let’s Talk, at my school.
I guess, in hindsight, I wore a mask and continued doing these things because I didn’t want people to see how bad it had gotten, and how much my plan of changing schools and becoming a completely different person was failing miserably. By February, I was back and forth from my home, which was 90 minutes away from school, and missed large chunks of class time and, as a result, I was slowly falling behind in my schoolwork. By mid February, I was dropping so quickly that I was admitted to the hospital for 30 days. Honestly, though my experience in the hospital was not the best, I ended up switching to an amazing psychiatrist who puts his life into his practice in order to help others who are struggling. He is still my psychiatrist to this day, and I will be forever grateful for everything that he has done. During my stay, I also met an amazing clinical nurse specialist who is passionate about making a change in the current mental health system. She and I clicked instantly, and her every interaction with me has made a positive impact in my recovery. When I returned to school, I was feeling a bit better, but I was still nowhere near where I was at the beginning of the school year. I applied and got accepted to many universities, which felt amazing because, prior to attending this new school, I didn’t even know if university would be a possibility. After a lot of thought, I had my heart set on studying psychology at Mount Allison University in Sackville, New Brunswick, Canada. The rest of the school year was up and down for me. I still missed a lot of class and struggled with my focus and concentration, but now, I was working towards the goal of going to university the following year. One of my school’s requirements for graduation was a one week internship with someone in the community. Ironically, I chose to work with the same clinical nurse specialist that I had worked with when I was sick at the hospital only a few months earlier. Being on the outside looking in, after already having the experience of being a patient, was such a rewarding experience. During this internship, I was in charge of making a booklet for new patients so that they don’t feel so alone and scared when they are first admitted. I got to work directly with some of the current patients as well as attend some presentations, which gave me the perfect feedback and knowledge to complete this project. One of my biggest achievements of 2016 was receiving my high school diploma, literally. Graduating based on my marks was the easy part; I had always had a very high average throughout high school, and somehow managed to maintain that average despite missing a lot of school and struggling to concentrate on school work. The hard part of graduating, for me, was walking up in front of a big crowd and receiving my diploma. As graduation started to come closer and closer, I started to get very nervous about having to do this, and concluded that, when my name was called and it was my turn to receive my diploma, I would physically freeze and not be able to go up. I am extremely grateful that, at this time, I became very close to two girls in my class, and they somehow gave me the key to unlock the courage that I didn’t even know was inside of me. Thank you, Kelly and Kathleen, for always being there for me and helping find the courage to achieve my goals. With the support of the people around me, I was able to conquer my fears and receive my diploma. As I stood in front of the large crowd and held my diploma to pose for a picture, I knew that I was more than ready to begin my university career. That night, I attended my prom and safe grad, something that would have been impossible at my previous school. The summer of 2016 started out great. As soon as school ended, my family and I embarked on a trip of a lifetime. We flew across the Atlantic Ocean to London, England, where I got to meet my best friend Lizzie in person for the first time after messaging and talking online for almost a year and a half. During this trip, I also attended a meet-up with some young ladies that I had been regularly interacting with in a support group, as well as Maggie Johnson, the author of the Selective Mutism Resource Manual. It was such an amazing experience to interact with others who were experiencing similar challenges to me, and it is something that I will never forget. When I returned back to Canada, I began my first ever part time job. I was employed at a daycare, and helped the existing staff with the 1-2 year old children. I looked forward to going to work every day and seeing the smiles on the babies’ faces. For a while, I felt “normal”. I was interacting with the babies, talking to the parents and other staff, and helping out with daily tasks. I was so happy! Though the summer was filled with lots of amazing opportunities and memories, it also had its challenges as well. If you have seen my other blog posts, you would know that I also struggle with OCD, which primarily involves a fear of harming myself or others. I previously struggled with going up and down the stairs, because I was scared I would impulsively jump down and hurt myself, but now, I was finding it increasingly more difficult to walk on the sidewalk where cars could potentially pass and handle sharp objects. One day, my OCD started telling me that if I said a single word, I would die. Though I knew in my heart that this made absolutely no sense, I unwillingly succumbed to these thoughts and stopped talking After going six whole days without saying a single word, my mom contacted my psychiatrist and he immediately referred me to the IWK Children’s Hospital in Halifax, Nova Scotia, a state of the art hospital with a brand new unit which specializes in adolescent mental health. Though this hospital was 2.5 hours away from my home, I knew that, in order to find my voice again and learn to cope with my OCD, I had to go there. As my parents both work full time, they went back and forth from our home and Halifax, and stayed in the Ronald MacDonald House occasionally so that they were very close to me. Every single person at the IWK, from the doctors and nurses, to the custodial staff, were amazing and had a huge impact in my recovery. After six days in the hospital, working with nurses, doctors, child life specialists, music therapist and two of the IWK therapy dogs, I said my first words in 12 days. The IWK staff went above and beyond to help their patients use the skills that they learned not only in the hospital setting, but in the outside world as well. I, along with the other patients, would go on accompanied visits to public places, such as Peggy’s Cove. We also had a week long Harry Potter themed party to celebrate the release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, and decorated the unit for the upcoming summer Olympics. I also got to go on passes with my parents, where we discovered our new favorite smoothies at Pete’s Fine Foods, and played Pokémon Go at the Halifax Public Gardens. The treatment I received at the IWK has helped me tremendously, and I fully accredit the IWK for saving my life. By mid August, I was discharged and returned home. Though I had learned so much during my stay at the IWK and felt a lot better, I was still pretty sick. It was at this time where I had to reevaluate whether I would be able to cope with going to university the following week. After a lot of thought and contemplation, I made the difficult decision to take a gap year and defer my enrollment to the following year. This decision was heartbreaking for me. I had placed all of my hopes and dreams on something that wasn’t going to happen as planned. I had already gotten my dorm assignment and bought everything I needed, as well as enrolled in all of my classes. My dream of going to university along with other 2016 graduates was postponed. As I watched my former classmates on social media, moving in to their dorms, meeting new friends, and attending their first university classes, I was crushed. It wasn’t long until my depression came back. I wanted to just stop everything and give up. I felt like I had tried everything that I could think of and, though they provided some relief, I soon fell back into a big black hole. I felt like I had nothing else to live for, that I wasn’t capable of achieving my dreams, and that I just couldn’t take it anymore. For the first time ever, I seriously wondered if life was worth living. It wasn’t long until I was admitted to the hospital for the third time in 2016. Memories of that hospitalization still haunt me to this day, and I find it very difficult to think about what I went through during that one month stay, but if any positive were to have come out of it, it would be that I had finally gained access to some amazing resources that I was in desperate need of in order to get better. I got a brand new psychologist who has tons of knowledge and experience in treating OCD, depression and selective mutism, I started seeing a speech pathologist who showed me exercises to loosen my throat muscles when they get tight due to SM, and now have an occupational therapist who comes to my house on a weekly basis and helps me relearn the skills that I have lost due to my chronic mental illness. Leading into the New Year, my life has, in fact, been about new beginnings. I’ve dedicated 2017 to being a year of taking away unnecessary stressors, such as school and work, in order to focus on getting better, and every day, I’m working hard to achieve this goal. As of right now, I am relearning to do everyday things that most people take for granted, such as handling knives and scissors, and walking outside. I am learning to take care of myself so that I am less likely to fall back into that big black hole. Even though I have only been working on this goal since I was released from the hospital in October, I am already seeing huge benefits. Leading into the fall and the New Year, I have taken on some very exciting projects that I am so happy to be a part of and that have given me an opportunity to work on life skills that I will need for the rest of my life. I am so excited that my dog, Finn, has become the first animal to be approved to accompany me at the mental health clinic where I receive weekly treatment and that we are slowly breaking boundaries within the mental health system. I recently started showing my love and passion for the sport of curling at local elementary schools, where I teach young students the basics of the game in their gym classes. I have completed my training to become a literacy tutor for grade 2 students at my former elementary school, and plan to start in a couple of weeks. I have joined the speaker’s bureau run by the mental health and addictions team at my local hospital and have some very exciting upcoming projects and presentations. But, most importantly, I feel happy with the direction my life is headed, and though I know there will inevitably be road blocks, I know that these “new beginnings” have put me in a place where I can do anything I put my mind to.
5 Comments
AJ
1/11/2017 02:21:25 pm
As someone else with SM and OCD, your resilience really inspires me. Thanks for sharing your journey :)
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Frances Savoie
1/11/2017 03:47:01 pm
You are an amazing young lady....so courageous! Your parents must be so proud, not to mention your Kenny-Buckley family. I wish you well in all your endeavours toward still better days ahead. You will accomplish all your goals, your heart will lead you there!
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Julie Hollock
1/12/2017 12:52:49 am
What a year to have gone through - you are really inspiring and I hope your progress continues into 2017 and beyond. <3 xxx
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Bonnie Lavigne Nadeau
2/7/2017 12:02:24 pm
You are am amazing young lady. You are an inspiration to people. Fortunate to have good family support. Take care and never lose your courage , you will make it.
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Corinne
2/19/2017 07:51:54 pm
Dear Lauren
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CategoriesAll About MeMy name is Lauren and I am 20 years old. I have an anxiety disorder called selective mutism that limits my ability to speak outside of my home. I believe that this disorder has touched me for a reason, and my life mission is to bring much needed awareness to this heartbreaking disorder. Welcome to my journey. Archives
January 2018
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