Early in my battle with severe social anxiety and selective mutism, I would assume that there was some kind of magical cure out there that I was missing out on. For a long time, I thought, for me, that that magical cure was changing schools, and that after I changed schools, I could live the anxiety-free life that I had always dreamed of. It is not until now, after changing schools and developing depression on top of severe social anxiety that I am realizing that mental Illnesses do not come with a "magic cure" and that sometimes, things are going to get much worse before they get better. Despite reading countless articles and books on depression, I never quite knew how it felt until it hit me hard and abruptly a few months ago. I told my mom that it was as though my brain was rejecting itself from my body, just as though a new organ may reject itself. Despite everything that I had accomplished, achieved, and overcome over the past year and a half, I was stuck and couldn't move. Though, on the outside, I was still living, inside I felt dead.
Tasks that used to give me pleasure were now agonizing. Getting out of bed, getting dressed and having a shower felt like running a marathon. Once able to complete my school work quite quickly and always on time, the task of picking up a pencil or opening a book became grueling. I had no energy to do anything and felt physically weak and tiered. My appetite disappeared and I went a whole week eating only a granola bar a day. I couldn't sleep, which only perpetuated the pain and sadness I was feeling. I was scared, didn't know what was happening to me, and didn't know what to do. Things got so bad that I could no longer cope with going to this amazing school that, at first, I thought was my magic cure. I took a week long break which consisted of two emergency room visits, countless panic attacks, doctors appointments and a debilitating medication change. Through all this I somehow found the strength to keep going. I am not writing this for pity, I am simply writing this because our society is under a common misconception that there is a magic cure for everything, and when we find that magic cure, our life will be fulfilled and we will once again be happy. Though there are obviously some exceptions, our struggles happen for a reason, and if we constantly are searching for that void in our life that will take over our struggles and make us happy, we are never going to find true happiness. Instead, take your struggles and use them to bring good into the world. Show the world that you will not let yourself be defined by your struggles but rather let your struggles define who you are as a person. Let the world see how strong you really are! Hang in there, Lauren xoxo
6 Comments
deb
2/2/2016 08:00:09 am
wow Lauren, very well explained and said. Thank you for doing this and I wish you the best in your struggles. You will get there. You are amazing.
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Pierrette Martin
2/2/2016 08:13:25 am
You made me cry Lauren, reading how hard it must be for you at time and thinking of the happy little girl I took care of way back when :). You are a strong person despite all this and never forget that. I love you XOX
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Frances Savoie
2/2/2016 09:51:09 am
You are a courageous and strong young woman, Lauren. Your willingness to share the good and the bad shows me you have what it takes to come through this struggle and bring others through as well. You inspire me! I wish you all the best! xoxo
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2/3/2016 08:02:05 pm
Lauren,
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Lauren Whiteway
2/4/2016 08:59:58 am
I just read your blog post and I can truly relate to you so much. You write beautifully and I know that you will make an amazing psychologist!
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Liz
2/12/2016 01:18:04 pm
Ive depression due to my severe social anxiety. It naturally comes to me.. Yeah ive felt extremely exhausted at 1 point. I just wanted to lay there & die. Thats how horrible i was feeling. I felt like my soul was slowly being sucked away. Felt hopeless, no energy. Didnt even think about my doggie even though i love her dearly. Ive dealt with depression through my teen yrs but this time (started months ago &still goes on a bit) it hit rock bottom. I didnt know what else to do... At least im keeping myself alive somehow.
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CategoriesAll About MeMy name is Lauren and I am 20 years old. I have an anxiety disorder called selective mutism that limits my ability to speak outside of my home. I believe that this disorder has touched me for a reason, and my life mission is to bring much needed awareness to this heartbreaking disorder. Welcome to my journey. Archives
January 2018
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